Archive for the 'Relationship' Category

I really felt the need to share this with all. These valuable lessons in life are for anyone even if they are not just starting out. I hope it gives you something to think about.

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What we can learn from Paris Hilton.  When you have to do something you can do it.  But is that always the best way?  On Larry King she discussed she had claustrophobia and when she realized she had to stay in jail she dealt with it.  …and that’s the lesson. 

Why is it that when we have to deal with a challenge, look for a new job, dump the boyfriend, husband, etc, or lose a few pounds, we come up with every excuse instead of dealing with the challenge and what’s wrong. The reason is our excuses are a coping mechanism. 
How do you get started if you want to deal with your challenge before a crisis? 
Acknowledge what’s wrong.  That’s sometimes the hardest thing.
Be honest, you have a part in what’s happening. Also ask your self how you have added value to your current position, relationship or situation.  That could be a real eye opener.  What it means is you might be a part of the problem. 
Now get to know yourself.  Go back and ask yourself you strengths and weakness and where you need to develop.  What are the things you want, need and the deal breakers you have in life.  A good example, why go on a diet that you have to eat shrimp 5 times a week and you are allergic.  That doesn’t work.  It’s about learning not to sabotage yourself. 

Understand the challenge. It’s about not trying to make a fit where it doesn’t work.  It doesn’t work with clothing and it doesn’t work with people with either.  You can date someone or marry someone who seems to not have anything in common with you; but, in reality it works because you have similar values and/or they compliment one another. 

Now learn from your mistakes because sometimes the reasons things don’t work are justifiable.  Fore instance, the hours at your job don’t work for you because you’re a single parent, or you are back in school.  The commute may be taking its toll because you are not connecting personally or professionally.  You could be a pastry chef and it wreaks havoc on your waistline.  Or; the culture or an organization is working an 18 hour day and that’s never been you.  All of these are just a few examples. But, learn from them.  It will help you find your next opportunity or mate and manage your partner, job or food intake better. 

The point is you should look at all of your challenges in life to help conquer them.   The reason, it’s easier to take charge of your life now before you are forced to.  It makes change easier to accept, more permanent and less traumatic because you have a choice. 


Things don’t change; we change.
~~Henry David Thoreau~~


Put Down the Technology!!!

Often, I have clients how are addicted to their Blackberries, phones, Bluetooth’s, Sidekicks, etc.  However, they wonder why they are not making the genuine connections with clients, friends, families and potential partners that they’d like.  Well the reason…technology. PUT IT DOWN!!! How can you be intimate with anyone, when the only thing you’re really focused on, is the person you are texting or talking to on your Bluetooth.  Tell them you will call or text them back later, be present and enjoy the person you are with. 

Because of this, I had to duplicate the email I received yesterday, “Ten Blackberry Commandments ” by Joey Reiman of The Brighthouse Consultancy, from Pink Magazine, for you to think about.

Ten Blackberry Commandments
By Joey Reiman

  1. Thou shalt not take the BlackBerry to any table with food on it or family around it. A BlackBerry is not a fruit, nor does it come from a tree.
  2. Thou shalt not use the BlackBerry as reading material in the event of insomnia. It will only worsen your situation.
  3. Thou shalt not BlackBerry in lieu of responding to a child’s request (e.g., “Wait a second, I’m reading something.”).
  4. Thou shalt not place the BlackBerry within distance of hearing its incessant beeps while at home. It is not a bird.
  5. Thou shalt not check BlackBerry as if it were your baby. It will not cry or stop breathing.
  6. Thou shalt not confuse number of e-mails with self-worth.
  7. Thou shalt do everything possible to misplace your BlackBerry on weekends. “There’s No Place Like Home” will never be the tagline for the BlackBerry company.
  8. Thou shalt remember that a BlackBerry is not a body appendage. It is a device that belongs in your briefcase, on your desk and not in social settings.
  9. Thou shalt refrain from bringing the BlackBerry to events involving family interaction. Extraneous dialogue with this contraption in lieu of real conversation suggests addiction.
  10. Thou shalt never, ever, ever bring the BlackBerry to bed. Do this and you are BlackBuried!

Joey Reiman is CEO and founder of The BrightHouse Consultancy.

Have a great Weekend!!!

Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone.”

~~Pablo Picasso~~

I love this quote. It speaks to the procrastinators in all of us. However, for women, it speaks to the need to please everyone but ourselves. Why? When was the last time you took a minute for yourself? I know that you have to work, take care of children, boyfriends, husbands, mothers, etc. But when you look at the list of things you have done so far today, what have you done for you? … to take care of yourself?

Did you take a long pause after reading that? Did everything come to mind; but, something you wanted or needed to do? Women are nurturers and that what makes women wonderful caregivers, managers and advisors; but, nurturing self is very important, too. It will relieve stress, allow you to take that mental break that will recharge your brain, and overall improve your health. Why? If you don’t take care of you, who will? So what have you been putting off doing?

  • Getting your nails done
  • Going to the gym
  • Picking up that book you’ve been wanting to read
  • Make an appointment with your physician, dentist, therapist, etc.
  • Register for a class, seminar, or workshop you’ve wanted to take.
  • Going to be on time.

This list can go on an on. Why? These things just help you in your quest to reaching your goals.

As a coach I often remind my clients whether they are in a job search or career change, in the midst of a personal crisis or just wanting to drop a few pounds. They have to remember their lifestyle and that not being present and enjoying your life can affect your health, success and well being. It can also affect you achieving your goals. Yes, you may have to do things for other people, employers, children, family, etc; but, you are your priority. Stop living for tomorrow and be present and live for today. Especially, if it means, you are taking care of you.

“Ninety-nine percent of the failures come from people who have the habit of making excuses.”      
~~ George Washington Carver

But wait, is that statement true?  To some, excuses are validations that make an individual who is being or has become undependable to themselves and others, OK. Why?   Excuses can make an individuals feel justified about their ability to not be accountable.  Right?  Yes and no.  Do you agree? 

But wait, excuses can also be helpful to your self esteem and mental health, states a study from at the University of Florida.  At the same time excuses can allow you to be dismissive of your short coming in life or performance of simple task. 

So the question is, are excuses good or bad?  Well, consider this, we need to understand is our values, choices, decisions and the consequences of the excuses we make; because that helps us be more accountable and balanced.  Excuses have validity when they involve facts.  It’s important not to use excuses to justify our behavior on a consistent basis.  It’s important to use them to forgive yourself of the roadblocks we create that keep us from moving forward and reaching our goals; whether they are create by ourselves or others.  This does not mean others need to accept or forgive our excuses.  We must understand that there are consequences to making excuses.  So in the end, we have to realize excuses are all about the person who makes them not necessarily the person who they are directed to.  Also, remember everyone doesn’t have to accept your excuses or forgive you. 

Now, decide if excuses are worth it?  If they are, remember these three things:

1)      Own your mistakes, short comings, challenges. 

2)      Have a sense of humor

3)      Remember that though the excuse may make you feel better there may be consequences.

It’s Valentine’s Day and you are not in the relationship you want?  Well, its time to be honest and ask yourself these questions?

Do you know what you want?  Not just in a relationship; but, out of your life?  If you don’t know who you are, what you want, and have a clear vision of your life; you may attract fixer friends and partners.  That maybe great at first; but, you might end up frustrated.  Why?  Fixer partners are not you and they don’t know your values, life experiences, etc.  Also, Fixers may be trying to create their perfect mate, not be your perfect partner, so they can’t create a fulfilling and inspirational life that you value and need.

What do you want from a friend or partner?  If you don’t clarify what you want, need and the deal breakers, you keep attracting relationships that don’t work for you.  They may work at first because you are not alone; but, in the long term it may be frustrating, depressing and even unsafe.

Are you a happy single person?  A relationship shouldn’t make you happy; your life, career, family, friends, etc. make your life fulfill.  Relationships are not a happiness pill, they only add to you. 

Are you financial stable?  Though I’m not saying you have to be rich; but, be fiscally responsible.  Depending on a partner to rescue you financially can create co-dependence, resentment, and other challenges.   Learn about money and how to manage it. 

Do you have time?  If you can’t make time to have a relationship, look at your life.  You have to make time for your partner, otherwise your relationship, may become something you don’t want.  …and your connection may be over before it starts. 

Does it look like that having a relationship is all about you being together and happy?  Well it is. It’s hard to hear a relationship doesn’t fix you; but, adds to your life.  Also, you only need one valentine.  So when you’re dating it’s OK to date more than one person; but, when you cross the line and become more than friends, be honest with yourself.  It’s not nice being played, nor is it good to be the player.  Remember you have to respect yourself first.


Single? Baby? Relationship? Choice.

Are you single?  Looking for a relationship?  Hoping to finally have a baby?  You have a choice. 

This is an issue many single women have wrestled with for years.  However, it becomes more pressing as many move into their mid thirties.  But, why are they wrestling?  You do have a choice. 

Ask yourself, do I really want to have a child?  That is the first question I ask women to answer.  It’s O.K. if you don’t want to be a parent.  But, if you do; ask yourself these questions.

1.       Why are you waiting? 

2.       Is it because your partner is not ready?

3.       Are you still looking for a partner, to parent with? 

4.       Are you ready to become a parent; 
           (but, don’t know where to start?)

5.       Are your finances unstable? 

6.       Are you overcommitted already and can’t find time for a child? 

7.       Are you afraid going at it alone? 

8.       Are you afraid that your lifestyle may change? 

9.       Are you confused at the choices to have to become a parent?

10.     Do you feel you have time?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, it might be time to get more information.  Why?  Because fertility peaks at 27; however, declines more severely after 40.  Yes, technology has made it easier to have a baby; but, find out where you are reproductively.  You can do this by asking your doctor for a blood test. 

As a coach, many of my clients have on their top 10 goals; get married have a baby as goals.  These are great.  Still, many are not educated to their timeline, when it comes to the latter, their fertility.  That is the reason this is a blog.  We all have choices.   As women, we must research and get information on this goal, as we would when trying to achieve any goal?  Why?  So we can have realistic expectations about our choices and the consequences are the ones that we can live with.

Informational links:

Articles on Single Motherhood


News Video

Choice Moms


Get Unstuck; Take a Risk and Move Forward

Have you reached out, connected or reconnected?  If not, don’t make excuses, take a risk and just it do. 

Many women get caught up in why they can’t do something and want to explain it.  Women do this, not for validation by only others; but for self justification, too.  Do you ever do this?  Well, if you do, consider after self acknowledgement, doing something about it.  What does this mean?  Get unstuck, take action, and move forward.  So you didn’t send out Christmas or Holiday greetings.  Send out New Year’s greetings, via snail mail, email or just pick up the phone and call someone you want to connect or reconnect with.  Why?  You might get a surprise.  Make a new friend or renew an old relationship.  Get a supporter or an ally.  It will be worth it.


Happy Holidays!!!

It is suggested that you have at least 200-300 people in your support network.  Why?  They can help you find out information, meet a mate, get a new job, find a new home, etc.  Remember, you are probably part of someone’s list of 200-300 contacts already.  Is your list there yet?  If not, here are 4 easy steps to building a network that is effective and connects you with people who can support you in “Living Your Best Life.” Here are the 4 steps:

  1. List all of the people you know.  Start with your inner circle.  These are people who know you.  They include: close friends, colleagues, people you would invite out for an evening or to a party.  Don’t forget to include family.  Sometimes, individuals in our family are people we communicate with the least.  Because of this, family is often accused of not being supportive of individuals in achieving their dreams.  Yes, this is possible; but, how can you support a loved one, when you don’t know what someone wants, needs, or they haven’t asked you for help yet?  Family relationships are often the most difficult in your network to manage; however, they could offer the best resources.
  2. Now add everyone you know professionally or socially that you may communicate with; but, not on a daily or even weekly basis.  This list includes services professionals, physicians, dentist, politicians you’ve met, stylist, insurance agents, realtors, etc.  Remember these are people who have provided you with a service and you may have supported them too, already.  These individuals know what is going on with you, or in your environment and are connected with people you don’t know.
  3. Don’t forget to include to the list, everyone you’ve been referred to or met through networking.  These contacts occasionally get dropped from networking or contact list.  Sometimes we make judgments for them and about them.  We don’t want to intrude or don’t feel they are interested as they were in us when we first met them.  Ask first.  Yes, you may be right; but, give these individuals a chance.  You might be surprised.  These contacts could be the great connectors to decision makers or experts, in a life change, crisis or career decisions.
  4. Finally, write down all of the decision makers and experts you know. These are the people who can help you get a job, loan, give you advice in a crisis.  They can also move you to the top of the list, to the front of the line, or make things happen. 

How big is your list, now?  I think you’re ready to start connecting.


Connect in 225 Words

It takes 225 words to connect, make friends and the get the support you desire.  These words are the 60 to 90 seconds that will communicate the highlights of your life, along with your aspirations.  It’s your elevator speech to success.  How do you structure it?  Write approximately:

  1. 8 to 10 sentences or 50 to 60 seconds of what you’ve been doing
  2. 2 sentences or 10 seconds of what you’re doing now and
  3. 3 to 5 sentences or 20 to 30 seconds of what you want, hope to do, or dream. 

The sentence suggestions are a guide; since, the average length of a conversational sentence is 15 words. 

Now, own it.  These words represent the most important highlights of your life along with the goals you desire.  This sound bite is valuable; impressions are made quickly. 

When sending emails, remember warm yet cryptic statements are better than journal entries; you’re trying to make an impression.  This also holds true when you’re meeting someone for the first time, socially or professionally.  Don’t bore them to death; you might not get a second chance.  Finally, pay attention.  It’s easy to miss read or hear what someone is saying; if you’re fixated on a certain outcome.  Respond appropriately to their thoughts.

Now get started; you can say a lot in 225 words. 

(This blog’s word count is 228 words.)

Links about Elevator Speeches

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